Controlling and Communication With Teenagers

Hi Cyndi

I believe you have 2 teenaged sons. You have custody of the other one? Which one is older/younger? How is the other one doing (obedience/character)?

Kris

Kristy,

At the moment, I took my eldest son back to be with me, even without the custody. I was forced to surrender both of their custody to my ex in order to get a divorce/free from him.

My second son's obedience/character is the opposite from his elder sibling as he was not abused from young by his dad. The elder one was mentally and physically abused by his dad since he was 2 years old+ till he was a teenager.

hi cyndi,

i believe we too will have the same problems one day when our babies grown up. bout teenager issue, is really a biggest headache for all the parents. as we were teenagers before and I remember I was stubborn too that time. parents need to guide and communicate with them so that they wont step into the wrong road (chinese saying) that will spoil or leave a black mark in their future life.

Hi babyblue,

I hope you will not be offended with what i'm going to suggest. Based on your son's background, perhaps a third party would be appropriate. He's probably feeling betrayed and unloved, although it is not true, and he may doubt the sincerity of everything you do.

Professionals such as a psychologist, with their immense knowledge on the human mind and behaviour, would be able to understand his feelings. Being a third party, they may be able to get your son to open up. Since your son bears no anger towards them, he is likely to let his guard down and to begin to talk.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with visiting a psychologist.

I hope for the best for both of you.

Littlebookworms,

Not all all, I don't feel offended at all where I would like to extend my gratitute to u for your kind suggestions and advise.

He has been sent to a psychiatrist before by his dad but the conversations and treatments were along with his dad's presence where I find it amused!!! I myself had been under the care of a psychiatrist for about 2 years for my accute depression problem and was very aware that there should not be a third party involved during conservations/treatment with a patient. Since, my boy is so afraid of his dad, he does not have a chance at all to tell the doctor about what is hidden inside him.

Well, as for me, I am fully aware that he does needs professional help but again financially, I can't at the moment. So, I and my hubby planned to do it ourself. This boy of mine bullies me a lot where he is not afraid of me at all but he does not dare to bully my hubby at all! There was one incident where he went histerical all because of a girl! Finally, only my hubby could coaxed him to put down his knife and talked to him for hours!

There was also one incident where he forced me to accept his apologies or from then on his is not my son anymore through sms while at his work place. I used a psychological method where I did not really gave him any answer at all, where, finally he told me that he is lost and he threathens to jump and asked me to accept him back. He even said to through the sms that :- You are my best mother. If I can be borned again, I wish a mother like you again! I upset u everyday does not mean I hate u, is because I just like to scold anyone I like. But after I have scolded, I only realised that what I've done is stupid and really crazy. Mom, actually, I love u, just that, when I am angry, I don't know what is becoming of me. Mom, Ok, I admit I am sick! I promised u that I will see that doctor. Just forgive me.

Those was some of the messages he sent me during those one of the horrible days.

Hi Babyblue,

I'm glad to read of your son's trust in your husband. He may be the best influence since he was not a party to your son's childhood experience.

Yes, I agree that during counselling, it should be left to just your son and the counsellor. Otherwise, he would be reluctant to reveal his true thoughts and end up being not helping. So, back to square one.

It is reassuring to read of his sms to you. That shows he loves you very much but is just unable to control his anger.

In case you need it, I know there is a Dr. Fauzi Ismail (lady doctor) in Selayang Hospital who is a psychiatrist for children and adolescence. I'm not sure of the process of setting appointments at public hospitals. But their fees would be much lower. Perhaps that could be an avenue.

Try this link:
http://www.myhealth.gov.my/
You can find some experts name in public hospitals.

Take care.

Littlebookworms,

U know Dr Fauzi Ismali of Selayang Hospital personally or what? If u do know her personally, can u ask on behalf of me the procedure for consultation with her or can u get her contact for me?

I don't like to visit public hospitals as it is very troublesome and headace where they would want u to see a general practitioner or a trainee first before sending u to a specialist or a consultant for treatment.If possible, I would want to skip all those unnecessarily visitations and being kicked around.

Thank you.

If you have treated your child with love and respect all along and that child is still hostile, it may have very little to do with you or with how that child was raised especially his parents are separated. There are more influences on a child’s life than to you or his father.

On the other hand, if you do have things to apologize for, do it. It’s never too late to start over. Kids really do want parents, but they want parents they can trust. An honest apology and genuine efforts to make the family a better place to be can set the family in a new direction. It will take time. The kids won’t believe you at first and may even test you. But if you stick to it, most kids will come around.

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